Too Many Choices

Reading has always been a struggle of mine. I tend to read every word aloud in my head, when I know the key to reading quickly is to picture the scene as you read the words and to use your periphery vision to absorb the pertinent information without having to “stop” at each word. I often feel so discouraged by how slow I am at reading, that I don’t bother getting started. I anticipate eventually falling asleep, getting distracted by the urge to check my phone for notifications, or feel defeated by “omg it’s taken me this long, just to get this far.” But one reminder I always have to think about is- enjoy the process. As with many things, the hyper focus on the end goal of “getting it done” (in a timeframe that’s not embarrassing) will often discourage me from achieving any real momentum or progress. 

It’s especially difficult for me to read a book multiple times. How do people do it? The whole time I stress about how I could be reading so many other new books, since I have plenty of books I haven’t read on a physical and electronic bookshelf, collecting dust at any given time. The sad thing is I’m almost jealous of people who have a small collection of books, when I always had the privilege of having tons of new books growing up. Quality over quantity. Like those kids who grow up reading one encyclopedia or a handful of classic books who end up being prodigies. Now as a frugal adult my book buying hobby is more of a scavenger hunt, trying to find popular used books for way cheaper than regular retail. But in the end, I am aware that expanding my choices will make me feel more overwhelmed and waste more time choosing what to do read than actually reading. 

My new reminder to myself is reading is like going to the gym to get physically stronger; you are exercising your brain, to get mentally stronger instead. It doesn’t matter what you read, it’s more so about how often and how consistently. It’s about gradually conditioning myself to pick up a book (physical or on my phone ironically) instead of doom scrolling to ease my anxiety and distract myself from whatever else is going on inside my head. When the focus shifts away from reading fast or finishing books, then you can get into a flow state of learning for the sake of learning or immersing yourself into a story.